Promises

I was feeling a little blue last night for various reasons. And for about the third time this week I just started crying out of nowhere and couldn't seem to get control over my emotions. The fact that it happened during Mass was unfortunate!

I've identified several things that I'm having difficulty with, one of which is the audition SB went to yesterday. There were about a hundred girls and there are only 54 parts for that age group. So half of the girls will not get cast. We'll find out later this week if she made it. I'm all about teaching her to lose gracefully, but she's worried about other people she knows getting cast if she doesn't and them being mean or cruel about it. SB was in a similar position the last two years when she auditioned with friends and she got cast and they didn't, but the fact of the matter is that SB is one of the nicest girls you'll ever meet and she would never hurt anyone. The same can not be said for some of the other girls.

Another thing that's been bugging me lately is that I used to have a lot of friends. Mark has been transferring all of our VHS tapes to DVD and so we've been watching footage of old birthday parties and such. I know why I used to have a lot of friends. Because I would take on everyone else's problems, listen endlessly and take on the problems as my own. I was on the phone for hours almost every day listening to all the troubles of everyone around me and just sucking up whatever emotions I had and internalizing them. When I stopped being as sympathetic a listener because I got sick of people whining all the time and never doing anything to fix their circumstances, I lost many of those same friends. I guess I just can't relate to a lot of people anymore. I mean, I have a GREAT marriage. I have a husband who helps do everything he can. He gets up in the morning, he stays up til all hours doing what needs to be done. I have kids who are self-reliant. Yesterday I was talking to a friend who was rushing around like crazy because her 15 year old boy had to go somewhere and didn't have any clean clothes. She works outside the home full time. This Boy is 15. I'm thinking if he doesn't have any clean clothes, maybe he should do laundry. But people don't want to hear that there are things they could be doing differently . They just want you to say "oh, you poor thing. You have a terrible life with your lazy husband, lazy kids, etc." I'm sorry, but I find it difficult to say those things anymore. You are CHOOSING this life! If your kids are 15 and don't know how to do their own laundry? Either teach them or shut up about it! If your husband won't help out? Then you have some talking to do. You're letting these things happen in your life. You are making the choice. Sorry, I got off on a rant there, but my point was that I miss having a lot of friends, but I can't be someone I'm not anymore. I can't take on the problems of the world as my own.

The last thing that I know is that as my kids are getting older I'm feeling less useful. And it's really my own doing. I have a lot to do around here, I'm just not getting it done. When I was crying to Mark about it last night, he said that I just needed to make promises to myself and do what I want to do. He's a list maker, a goal setter and I've never been much of one. But I took his advice and set some goals for myself this morning. It's 10 Am and I've already cleaned out and washed the car and cleaned up and vacuumed my courtyard. I'm still going to fill my birdfeeders, go to the bank and Costco and then after lunch I plan to sew another quilt square. You know the quilt from last Christmas?lol! I also have 9 yards of pink shiny fabric waiting to be made into a princess costume that I don't want to start on until I finish at least the squares for the quilt. So I'm getting my butt in gear. I have control over at least one of the things making me unhappy and I'm really going to work on it.