Stress Relief

I've been pretty stressed all week. To the point that yesterday I was gritting my teeth by mid afternoon. I think the combination of the Princess being sick and the events happening with the extended family and the idiocy of some people I have to see every week day along with the fact that I had a dinner date with a friend who I used to be very close to, but for the last year or so had just not been communicating well with combined to make me ready to blow a fuse.

Luckily, the dinner went quite well. I feel like my friend and I are back on the same wavelength again after being headed in very separate directions with our lives for a while. During the course of dinner conversation, my friend and I talked about our feelings about our children aging which is a sore subject for both of us. We also talked about some past problems in her marriage. One of the things she said that really resonated with me was that her marriage was her way of being perfect. That she felt like, if she let anyone know there were any problems in her relationship, she would look like a failure. I totally get that. Not so much with my marriage, but with my children. I want them to look perfect to the outside world. Angelic and wonderful and amazing. and they are. But, like ALL children, they can drive me crazy and get on my nerves and make me need a break. That's so hard for me to admit. It feels like admitting that makes me look like a bad mom. And of all things, being a good mom is a vanity for me. Having well behaved children is a source of pride. And so, it is mortifying to me when one of my children misbehaves in front of other people. Mortifying,. Right or wrong, that is how I feel. Because it feels like a statement about my parenting. Because as much as I logically know that my children are their own beings and while I can teach them right from wrong, i can't necessarily make sure they do things correctly all the time, it still emotionally is difficult for me to let that go. And, let's face it. we live in an ultra-judgemental society. People do think that children are a direct reflection of the way they've been parented. Particularly mothers. Because it makes people feel better to see another kid getting in trouble. It makes them feel like at least my kids don't do THAT!

Someone told me recently that I had a "holier-than-thou" attitude. I can see where my feelings about the above issue might make it seem that way, but really, that's so not how I feel inside. I'm just trying to do the best I can to get from day to day. I'm trying really hard to let go of my judgements and to try to let my self be more real. It's a long hard process.