What Would You Do???
SB is a homebody of sorts. She likes to go to her friend's houses, but once bedtime comes she wants to be in her bed, in her house, cuddled up with her sister and knowing that mommy and daddy are near by. She does not spend the night away. She has lots of sleepovers here, but she will not stay the night at another house. It means some late nights for me as she'll stay at a party as late as she can without having to spend the night. I really don't mind though since I sleep much better with all of my kids under my roof.
Last weekend, she got invited to a sleepover birthday party. The plan was for me to pick her up at 11 PM. Around 7:30 she called and asked if she could spend the night. I said of course she could if she wanted to. I was surprised, but happy that maybe she was getting over whatever it was that was keeping her at home. At 7:30 the following morning, I was out running an errand when Mark called and said SB was sick and needed to be picked up right away. I happened to be down the street from the neighborhood she was in, so I ran to get her. Once we gathered her things and got her in the car I asked her if she was alright and what was the matter. She started crying. She missed me and daddy. She wasn't really sick, but she didn't want the girls to know she just wanted to go home. She had been crying in the middle of the night after all the girls went to sleep because she wanted to come home but it was 2 AM and she thought it was too late to call. I assured her that it was never too late to call and I will always come and pick her up.
Now here's the dilemma... SB is in Youth Group through our church this year. There is a weekend retreat coming up. I had just assumed Sb would be going, hadn't even really thought about it, but after this incident, I asked her about the retreat and how she felt about going. She's really not sure. She sort of wants to go, but she doesn't want to sleep away from home. I am sort of mixed about the whole thing as well. I think she'd mostly have fun, but I think she'll be really sad at night and out of contact with me which will worry her. And? There are a bunch of boys at our church that I don't want anywhere near her. Especially for two whole days. So, my thought is just to let her decide if she wants to go or not and not make a big deal of it if she doesn't. But does that make me a wishy-washy mom? Should I be forcing her to go on this retreat? My gut says no.
posted by Marlene at 12:47 PM
5 Comments:
That's a tough one because on the one hand, I certainly don't think you should force her to go if she really doesn't want to, but on the other hand, at some point she's going to have to get over not wanting to spend the night away from you, because I don't think her future husband will like living at her parents house. ;)
I think maybe you just lay out all the pros and cons and say you think it would be good for her to go (or whatever), but that it's up to her. And really the only way you get past your fear/discomfort of doing something is by facing it.
Then again, my child was 2 1/2 before she ever spent the night away from me (not counting the 18 days she spent in the hospital after she was born), so what do I know? lol!
Being an adult on said retreat, I know my perspective is a bit different; but you can always tell her that I'm there (being someone she knows) and even if she comes knockin' on our cabin at 2am (we'll prob be up anyway) Jared and I will take care of her. And she is NOT the only one who has the same issue on retreats. Especially the first ones. And our adult cabin? Right in the middle of the kids' so we can hear EVERYTHING that goes on.
I just don't want her to feel she missed out on something that was awesome when the rest of the kids come to church and share their experience. I'm VERY upset with myself for missing out on the first few years of YG and the first few NCYCs. But my parents left it up to me. So it's no one's fault but my own.
As for the boys? Trust me, we police them -_- I don't want them anywhere near your SB either!
It hurts so much to grow up. It's such a hugh step for her to spend the night with her friends. Your reassuring her that she can call you at any time to pick her up I'm sure is the reinforcement she needed. Now that she knows she made it through the night, she will begin to have the self confidence she needs to continue her baby steps to independence. I remember the many times with all my girls when David or I would pick them up from friends houses at all times of the day or night, and the same would happen with the girls that would spend the night at our house.
The retreat is something different but only in my opinion. She is going to be 2 hours away from home and for 2 nights which can be scary. I never forced my girls to do anything they truely didn't want to do. Rochelle tells me that she wishes I would have forced her where Youth Group was concerned, but at the time I would have cried more that her and that is not good! Being a Youth Group parent for many years, I know that the adults babysit the boys and girls to make sure that they are appropriate around each other. I also know that the adult males have been known to sleep in the boys cabin so that there won't be any pranks and so on. Some parents have volunteered to help out with the retreats (KP duty!) so that they can be at the camp, but not directly with their child. Last year I had an issue with my niece and the bear, I spoke with Sue and Brian who were wonderful in working out a plan so that neither girl was aware about what was going on, and both were able to enjoy youth group. All my girls will be there and SB can use their cell phones to call you if they get service in the mountains. The camp also has a phone that she can use. Sometimes just hearing your voice provides the comfort she will need. If SB has a preference as to sharing a cabin with or being in groups with, she only has to tell Rochelle and she will make it happen. Any of the leaders will make that happen because they don't want any child to feel anxious about being away from home.
I'm sure she'll know when she's ready. It's not as if she misses this time that she can't ever go, right?.
You certianly don't want her upset and going to get her may not be at all possible.
Going to get her is entirely possible if necessary. I'm sure she'd be fine, but it has happened in the past that we've had to take kids home or parents had to come get kids.
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